How The Hell Did I End Up Here Again?!?!
As a spiritual healer and counselor, I’m an avid student, often immersed in
the wisdom of great teachers, while being surrounded by my spiritual guides.
It’s a place where I’m simultaneously at peace and energized. But I’m also a
student of the universe, which also provides lessons as we continually grow and
evolve. Sometimes those lessons aren’t delivered in ways we would like them to
be sometimes the lessons are so profound that they sneak up on us and then knock
us to the ground. I received such life lessons this past year, ones that knocked
me to my core and left me questioning my purpose. The alcohol had won the
battle, and I hit the proverbial bottom, wondering how the hell did I end up
here…again?
Ironically, it was my addiction that led to my quest for spiritual growth all those years ago. Now, my addiction was making me question my role as a spiritual healer and counselor. How could I counsel and heal others if I was still so vulnerable to relapse? How was I going to pick up the pieces and salvage my life and my career? Wracked with guilt and shame, I knew the answers would come, but first, I had to get myself out of this hole I’d dug for myself.
I admit that I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. The last year had been a whirlwind one my business was booming and so many doors were opening for me. I had recently launched my debut book, Girl from the Hood Gone Good, and my life was rewarding. I didn’t need alcohol to numb my pains or to drown my sorrows. No, instead, alcohol became a part of my celebrations for the many new and exciting things that were happening in my life.
My relapse was gradual, but undeniable. In the spring of 2012, I truly believed I had this under control. I thought for sure I could have just one, maybe two. After all, it was a celebration. I deserved to express my joy in this fashion, why not, the rest of society does, all my friends do so why can’t I?
Always in an atmosphere of celebration, my pattern of binge drinking was repeating itself. Still, I came up with excuses. I was no longer in the hood. I had a successful business and was a bestselling author. I came to the delusion that I could handle drinking in this different environment, drinking with sophisticated women. But I was wrong.
I couldn’t handle it. It didn’t matter if I was drinking in the hood or in a luxury hotel bar at some fancy shmancy political gathering. I was still drinking—the pattern was again revealing itself. It became an internal conflict that had me reeling with discontent. I was distraught and feeling so much disappointment, guilt, and shame that I finally realized that little by little, my “celebrations” had brought me back to the same low that I’d experienced many years before. As I became aware of just how much I was hurting myself and the people I love, I hung my head and cried, asking myself, “How in the hell did I end up here, yet again, and what can I do about it?”
While this setback was physical and emotional, it also left me doubting my worth as a spiritual healer. Yet, my soul’s source kept talking to me, telling me that I had a signed and sealed contract to fulfill and that I must move forward. A part of me became reenergized and focused on my goal, and I told myself that this BS must be dealt with—now! Addiction had been a part of my life for so long—I had to realize that I have a disease. I can’t deny it or get rid of it. I certainly could not handle it. However, I could do something about it, so I ran back to rehab where I could face my addiction on a deep, deep level.
I was in a scared place; however, I was also grateful for the guilt, shame and humiliation I faced, for they were necessary for me to pick myself up and get back on the right path. I’m also grateful for the education I’ve received about the effects of alcohol on my body and the way I react to it. I’m now more committed than ever, knowing that my career as a spiritual healer and counselor is not only my purpose, but also that the lessons I’ve learned through this setback will enable me to be a more compassionate, tolerant healer and counselor. I am reminded daily that I am vulnerable, just like everyone else, but that I have the determination and the very deep desire to overcome this disease and not allow it to control my life ever anymore.
I am an alcoholic, an addict. I always will be. I’ve been to the bottom, but I can make sure I don’t go there again. While I cannot change the past, I can control the future, more committed and focused than before. As a healer, I understand that healing is a lifelong process that will allow me to grow and fulfill my mission to help others who find themselves asking, “How in the hell did I end up here?” I now know the important thing isn’t how I got here, but where I go from here. For this girl from the hood, the place I am committed to going is all good.
Ironically, it was my addiction that led to my quest for spiritual growth all those years ago. Now, my addiction was making me question my role as a spiritual healer and counselor. How could I counsel and heal others if I was still so vulnerable to relapse? How was I going to pick up the pieces and salvage my life and my career? Wracked with guilt and shame, I knew the answers would come, but first, I had to get myself out of this hole I’d dug for myself.
I admit that I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. The last year had been a whirlwind one my business was booming and so many doors were opening for me. I had recently launched my debut book, Girl from the Hood Gone Good, and my life was rewarding. I didn’t need alcohol to numb my pains or to drown my sorrows. No, instead, alcohol became a part of my celebrations for the many new and exciting things that were happening in my life.
My relapse was gradual, but undeniable. In the spring of 2012, I truly believed I had this under control. I thought for sure I could have just one, maybe two. After all, it was a celebration. I deserved to express my joy in this fashion, why not, the rest of society does, all my friends do so why can’t I?
Always in an atmosphere of celebration, my pattern of binge drinking was repeating itself. Still, I came up with excuses. I was no longer in the hood. I had a successful business and was a bestselling author. I came to the delusion that I could handle drinking in this different environment, drinking with sophisticated women. But I was wrong.
I couldn’t handle it. It didn’t matter if I was drinking in the hood or in a luxury hotel bar at some fancy shmancy political gathering. I was still drinking—the pattern was again revealing itself. It became an internal conflict that had me reeling with discontent. I was distraught and feeling so much disappointment, guilt, and shame that I finally realized that little by little, my “celebrations” had brought me back to the same low that I’d experienced many years before. As I became aware of just how much I was hurting myself and the people I love, I hung my head and cried, asking myself, “How in the hell did I end up here, yet again, and what can I do about it?”
While this setback was physical and emotional, it also left me doubting my worth as a spiritual healer. Yet, my soul’s source kept talking to me, telling me that I had a signed and sealed contract to fulfill and that I must move forward. A part of me became reenergized and focused on my goal, and I told myself that this BS must be dealt with—now! Addiction had been a part of my life for so long—I had to realize that I have a disease. I can’t deny it or get rid of it. I certainly could not handle it. However, I could do something about it, so I ran back to rehab where I could face my addiction on a deep, deep level.
I was in a scared place; however, I was also grateful for the guilt, shame and humiliation I faced, for they were necessary for me to pick myself up and get back on the right path. I’m also grateful for the education I’ve received about the effects of alcohol on my body and the way I react to it. I’m now more committed than ever, knowing that my career as a spiritual healer and counselor is not only my purpose, but also that the lessons I’ve learned through this setback will enable me to be a more compassionate, tolerant healer and counselor. I am reminded daily that I am vulnerable, just like everyone else, but that I have the determination and the very deep desire to overcome this disease and not allow it to control my life ever anymore.
I am an alcoholic, an addict. I always will be. I’ve been to the bottom, but I can make sure I don’t go there again. While I cannot change the past, I can control the future, more committed and focused than before. As a healer, I understand that healing is a lifelong process that will allow me to grow and fulfill my mission to help others who find themselves asking, “How in the hell did I end up here?” I now know the important thing isn’t how I got here, but where I go from here. For this girl from the hood, the place I am committed to going is all good.
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