“The Anguish and Tragedy He Had to Overcome to Manage to Capture That Light…”
“If people knew what Matisse, supposedly the painter of happiness, had gone through, the anguish and tragedy he had to overcome to manage to capture that light which has never left him, if people knew all that, they would also realize that this happiness, this light, this dispassionate wisdom which seems to be mine, are sometimes well-deserved, given the severity of my trials. ”–Henri Matisse, interview, Matisse on Art
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I'm deep in the writing of my next book, Before and After, about making and breaking habits, and there's nothing more satisfying than reading the success stories of people who have changed a habit. If you have a Before-and-After story of a habit you changed, and you're willing to share it here on the blog, please contact me here. Once a week, I'll post a story. We can all learn from each other.
Before and After: Using StickK.com and a Referee to Create a Habit of Productivity.
I’m writing my next book, Before and After, about how we make and break habits–an issue very relevant to happiness. Each week, I’ll post a before-and-after story submitted by a reader, about how he or she successfully changed a habit. We can all learn from each other. If you’d like to share your story, contact me here.This week’s story comes from Marissa Postler:
I’ll be honest, I’m not 100% changed quite yet, but I wanted to share a tool that is currently helping me considerably. I’ve explained your character index to several friends of mine and elaborated on why I consider myself an Obliger and why that’s a problem when I want to get things done that aren’t enforced.As Marissa points out, for Obligers, the secret to building a habit is to create a system of external accountability. She’s using StickK.com and her friend to give her double accountability. Brilliant!
A friend of mine found StickK.com and suggested we give it a try. StickK.com is basically a website all about helping “Obligers” stick to resolutions. You set a goal (mine was to spend at least an hour each day doing something productive – studying, cleaning, practicing music, exercising, etc.) and determine the rules/time frame of it first. Then you’re given the option to automatically charge your credit card an amount of your choice whenever you fail to report a successful week. The money can either go to a good charity or an “anti” charity, which might motivate you even more to not fail!
The part I’ve found most helpful though is the “referee” aspect of the site. My friend and I are each other’s “referees” so whenever one of us submits a successful report, the other has to confirm the validity of it. There is also a spot on each of our profiles for comments, much like a Facebook wall. We use that to keep tabs on each other’s progress throughout the week and encourage one another. I haven’t been doing this long enough to really claim that I’ve changed, but so far it’s been going really well and I highly recommend it to all the Obligers out there!
By the way, if you’re wondering what an Obliger is, read here.
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Secret of Adulthood: Experience the Experience.
Further Secrets of Adulthood:
I constantly struggle to experience the experience, to experience now. Not to think about the past, or the future, but now. In fact, the last chapter of Happier at Home is titled “Now.” It always seems as though experiencing the present moment should be easy, but it’s so challenging. At least for me. But then I struggle so much with mindfulness.
How about you? Do you have a mantra or a habit or a Secret of Adulthood that helps you “experience the experience?”
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I constantly struggle to experience the experience, to experience now. Not to think about the past, or the future, but now. In fact, the last chapter of Happier at Home is titled “Now.” It always seems as though experiencing the present moment should be easy, but it’s so challenging. At least for me. But then I struggle so much with mindfulness.
How about you? Do you have a mantra or a habit or a Secret of Adulthood that helps you “experience the experience?”
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Feeling Lonely? Consider Trying These 7 Strategies.
Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List Day, or Quiz Day.This Wednesday: 7 tips for battling loneliness.
One major challenge within happiness is loneliness. The more I’ve learned about happiness, the more I’ve come to believe that loneliness is a terrible, common, and important obstacle to consider.
According to Elizabeth Bernstein’s recent Wall Street Journal piece, Alone or Lonely, the rate of loneliness in the U.S. has doubled over the past thirty years. About 40% of Americans report being lonely; in the 1980s, it was 20%. One reason: more people live alone (27% in 2012; 17% in 1970). But being alone and being lonely aren’t the same.
A while back, after reading John Cacioppo’s fascinating book Loneliness, I posted Some counter-intuitive facts about loneliness, and several people responded by asking, “Okay, but what do I do about it? What steps can I take to feel less lonely?”
I then read another fascinating book, Lonely — a memoir by Emily White, about her own experiences and research into loneliness. White doesn’t attempt to give specific advice about how to combat loneliness, and I don’t want to put words in her mouth, but from her book, I gleaned these strategies:
1. Remember that although the distinction can be difficult to draw, loneliness and solitude are different. White observes, “It’s entirely reasonable to feel lonely yet still feel as though you need some time to yourself.” Loneliness feels draining, distracting, and upsetting; desired solitude feels peaceful, creative, restorative.
2. Nurturing others — raising children, teaching, caring for animals — helps to alleviate loneliness.
3. Keep in mind that to avoid loneliness, many people need both a social circle and an intimate attachment. Having just one of two may still leave you feeling lonely.
4. Work hard to get your sleep. One of the most common indicators of loneliness is broken sleep — taking a long time to fall asleep, waking frequently, and feeling sleepy during the day. Sleep deprivation, under any circumstances, brings down people’s moods, makes them more likely to get sick, and dampens their energy, so it’s important to tackle this issue. (Here are some tips on getting good sleep.)
5. Try to figure out what’s missing from your life. White observes that making lots of plans with friends didn’t alleviate her loneliness. “What I wanted,” she writes, “was the quiet presence of another person.” She longed to have someone else just hanging around the house with her. The more clearly you see what’s lacking, the more clearly you’ll see possible solutions.
6. Take steps to connect with other people (to state the obvious). Show up, make plans, sign up for a class, take a minute to chat.
7. Stay open. Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they’re big, flashing signs that something needs to change. The pain of loneliness can prod you to connect with other people. Unfortunately–and this may seem counter-intuitive--loneliness itself can make people feel more negative, critical, and judgmental. If you recognize that your loneliness may be affecting you in that way, you can take steps to counter it.
Most people have suffered from loneliness at some point. Have you found any good strategies for making yourself less lonely? What worked — or didn’t work?
For more along these lines, check out Happier at Home, chapter on “Neighborhood.”
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