I recently watched an episode
of the new show, Almost Human. In the episode, the
main character, a police detective, is reluctantly introduced to his new
partner, a "synthetic" or robotic version of a human. And
throughout the episode, the detective repeatedly attempts to "shut
off" the robot's emotional responses, complaining that if "he
would only respond logically"...
I see many conflict situations
start just as innocently as this - one person perceives
another person's words or actions to be a threat, and anger and conflict
follow.
Our natural responses to conflict
often begin with this perception of threat. The
perception triggers our "fight-or-flight” response, and our adrenal
glands kick into high gear, pretty much eliminating rational thought (at
least for a moment).
When we perceive others to be a threat, we generally act in two ways that
can be incredibly effective at protecting us from physical harm AND
terribly detrimental when it comes to resolving most workplace and family
conflicts.
With the "fight" response, we usually come on too strongly and
too aggressively for the vast majority of normal relational situations.
As a result, the other person feels a direct threat from our response.
Conversely, the "flight: response often leads us to disengage,
remain quiet, and withdraw from the person we perceive as a
"threat."
To avoid either of these negative responses, consider this approach:
Question the story you are telling yourself about the other
person.
For example, you can question whether or not they actually intend to be a
threat to you by re-framing your internal dialogue this way:
“Do
they mean to harm me in some way, or did I just misunderstand?”
“Are they really on the attack, or are they just tired and having
a bad moment?”
“Are they an evil person, or did I say something that offended
them?”
Alternative stories can stop
our perception of threat and lead us to a more positive, rational, and
engaged response than either a heated attack or an icy withdrawal. We can
act to resolve the communication breakdown rather than act to escalate
the conflict.
Guy Harris
Master Trainer & Coach
The Kevin Eikenberry Group
p.s. We need your help! Take our Conflict Confidence
survey and I'll invite you to a free teleseminar where I'll share the
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