Feeling Angry, Resentful, or Self-Critical? Make the Positive Argument
I’ve
discovered an almost uncannily effective strategy to keep myself from going into
downward spirals of resentment, blame, and self-accusation — when, for instance,
I find myself brooding over thoughts like, “I’m not getting enough work done” or
“So-and-so isn't doing a good job with that task.”When I realize I’m having thoughts like this (and I’ll admit, just realizing that I’m having this kind of thought is a challenge in itself), I “make the positive argument.”
As a consequence of a psychological phenomenon that might be called “argumentative reasoning,” we’re very skillful at arguing a particular case. When we take a position, we look for evidence to support it, and we find reasons that prove our point, and then we stop, satisfied. This mental process gives us the illusion that our position is objective and well justified.
However — and this is the useful point — if we try to argue the very opposite position, we can often make that case just as easily. If I tell myself, “I’m a shy person,” I marshal examples of my shyness; if I tell myself, “I’m an outgoing person,” I remember times when I was outgoing. I’m able to argue both conclusions quite persuasively.
To make use of this phenomenon, I resolved to “Make the positive argument” to challenge my critical thoughts about myself or other people. (It’s nice to have a way to turn my natural belligerence to good purpose.)
“Make the positive argument” also helps me combat my decided habit of unconscious overclaiming (what a great two-word phrase, I should add it to my list!). In “unconscious overclaiming,” we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people. Studies showed that when wives and husbands estimated what percentage of housework each performed, the percentages added up to more than 120 percent. When business-school students estimated how much they’d contributed to a team effort, the total was 139 percent.
Now, when I start muttering, “That guy isn't being helpful,” I argue to myself, “Actually, he is being helpful." And very often I realize, he is.
Try it yourself! Did it work?
To read more along these lines, check out The Happiness Project, chapter three. (Can't help mentioning: more than two years on the New York Times bestseller list.)
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Photo: Iseeimages (Rich Klein Photography), Flickr
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