Vulnerability can save Kids from college pressure cooker

Vulnerability Can Save Kids from the College Pressure Cooker

08	May
	2012

Relationship Skills

I beat the drum for vulnerability in the workplace in almost every article I write. Today I want to shift your attention from your workplace to your child’s workplace: School. I know not everyone reading this has kids, but you may someday, or maybe you’re a college student yourself. Keep reading.
High school and college are pressure cookers – far more competitive than in my day, and it was intense then. I remember feeling so alone at times at Yale. Despite my gregarious outward appearance, I longed for real connection. To feel that I was enough.

This week, a friend from Yale sent me an op-ed from my alma mater’s dailythat took me right back – not just to my undergrad time, but to a few years ago when I did a session with the freshman class there, organizing them into small groups to discuss the question, “Which major experiences of your past make up who you are today?" I was taken aback by the incredible personal struggles some of these young people had already faced – and also by their ability to open up when they felt safe to do so, and to support each other. Friendships were made that day that carried through all four years.

But tragically, the op-ed my friend sent was written in response to a student’s suicide several weeks ago; a boy whom apparently no one had any idea was struggling.
In her op-ed, recent graduate Kate Calhoun wrote:

“Yalies tend to talk freely about achievement but remain silent about hardship. In this stoic culture, people easily slip through the cracks. We notice when it becomes a tragedy of the magnitude of last week’s, but there are people all over Yale who need some support, compassion and relief. “You can’t provide this support only in the toughest moments. It’s when people are in trouble that they are least likely to feel comfortable speaking up. Openness, encouragement, and understanding need to be cultivated long before hardship hits.”

Kids today need all the help we can give them to learn that the ability to open up to others about fears, doubts, and dreams is a key survival skill and a badge of strength. Then, once they learn that it’s OK, they need help learning how to do it – not just shoulder pats, but organized, facilitated peer coaching that lets the students develop the dialogue themselves.
I’m still working with Yale on this, and hopefully with more schools soon. A group of Yale Sophomores recently took a version of the myGreenlight training, translated for their specific environment by a couple of really bright students, and with a peer-coaching and support component built in. I was so moved and inspired by the enthusiastic response to the program. So many of them pushed past their comfort zones to share intimacy and vulnerability, and finished with better relationships and the knowledge that they could be themselves, warts included, and be respected and supported all the more.
Kate closes her piece with exactly the right suggestion (in fact, the one I’ve given many times) to give anyone the power to kickstart culture change where they learn, work, or play, in the absence of a formal program or help from leaders:

“Start small. Create the type of culture in your own life that you want to see across this campus. But start immediately. People close to you might need you more than they’re able to admit right now.”