This guest blog comes from business strategist and keynote speaker Lisa Earle McLeod. Her
latest book, The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly
Simple Secret To Resolving Conflicts Large &
Small, was named a Washington Post Top Five Book For Leaders. Visit Lisa at
www.TriangleofTruth.com.-KF
Lisa's Three Tips:
Nobody likes conflict. The problem is, avoiding conflict doesn’t reduce tension, instead it often escalates it.
Have you ever been around someone who was frustrated or angry, but doesn’t want to talk about it? They ooze resentment. Avoiding conflict actually ruins our professional relationships. Issues become bigger. Trust evaporates. The postmortem on any business failure almost always reveals critical information went unaddressed because somebody was afraid to discuss it.
Here are 3 tips for resolving conflicts without coming to blows:
1. Beware of false assumptions.
Just because someone says they want a particular thing doesn’t mean that you truly understand their goals. My client Judi Bruce at Deloitte describes it this way: “It’s like the classic orange story.” Two people are fighting over an orange. They both want the whole thing. But when asked why they want the whole orange one replies, “I need all the juice to make my cake.” The other replies, “I need all the zest from the peel to make my frosting.
What seems to be a conflict; might not be a conflict at all. Neutral questions like, “Tell me a bit more about how you envision this” often reveal an easy win/win.
2. Don't mistake enthusiasm for rigidity.
Just because someone is excited about their plan, doesn't mean they're not open to other options.
Confronting a dominant personality doesn’t have to be combative. Simply ask: Are you open for feedback on this? If they say yes, start off saying, “I tend to think of these things from a different perspective.” It keeps the conversation neutral. You’re not attacking their point of view; you’re just sharing yours.
High-energy people move quickly and enthusiastically. They might wind up embracing your plan with the same zeal they do their own.
3. Be open to alternative outcomes.
The biggest reason people avoid conflict is because they don’t see a clear way to bring up an issue and resolve it peacefully. They assume it’s going to be an argument, and they'll lose. But disagreements don’t mean death; they’re just disagreements. When you work and live with other humans, there's always going to be conflict. It doesn’t have to be contentious or ugly.
Stay confident that you'll ultimately find a solution and you'll keep yourself more open. It’s ironic, when you accept conflict as an inevitable part of relationships; you wind up with less of it and find it quicker to resolve.
Handling a conflict isn’t the worst thing in the world. But letting one go unresolved can cause you big problems.
What strategies have you used to defuse a heated situation?
Simple Secret To Resolving Conflicts Large &
Small, was named a Washington Post Top Five Book For Leaders. Visit Lisa at
www.TriangleofTruth.com.-KFLisa's Three Tips:
Nobody likes conflict. The problem is, avoiding conflict doesn’t reduce tension, instead it often escalates it.
Have you ever been around someone who was frustrated or angry, but doesn’t want to talk about it? They ooze resentment. Avoiding conflict actually ruins our professional relationships. Issues become bigger. Trust evaporates. The postmortem on any business failure almost always reveals critical information went unaddressed because somebody was afraid to discuss it.
Here are 3 tips for resolving conflicts without coming to blows:
1. Beware of false assumptions.
Just because someone says they want a particular thing doesn’t mean that you truly understand their goals. My client Judi Bruce at Deloitte describes it this way: “It’s like the classic orange story.” Two people are fighting over an orange. They both want the whole thing. But when asked why they want the whole orange one replies, “I need all the juice to make my cake.” The other replies, “I need all the zest from the peel to make my frosting.
What seems to be a conflict; might not be a conflict at all. Neutral questions like, “Tell me a bit more about how you envision this” often reveal an easy win/win.
2. Don't mistake enthusiasm for rigidity.
Just because someone is excited about their plan, doesn't mean they're not open to other options.
Confronting a dominant personality doesn’t have to be combative. Simply ask: Are you open for feedback on this? If they say yes, start off saying, “I tend to think of these things from a different perspective.” It keeps the conversation neutral. You’re not attacking their point of view; you’re just sharing yours.
High-energy people move quickly and enthusiastically. They might wind up embracing your plan with the same zeal they do their own.
3. Be open to alternative outcomes.
The biggest reason people avoid conflict is because they don’t see a clear way to bring up an issue and resolve it peacefully. They assume it’s going to be an argument, and they'll lose. But disagreements don’t mean death; they’re just disagreements. When you work and live with other humans, there's always going to be conflict. It doesn’t have to be contentious or ugly.
Stay confident that you'll ultimately find a solution and you'll keep yourself more open. It’s ironic, when you accept conflict as an inevitable part of relationships; you wind up with less of it and find it quicker to resolve.
Handling a conflict isn’t the worst thing in the world. But letting one go unresolved can cause you big problems.
What strategies have you used to defuse a heated situation?
I met Caroline Donahue, a writer, blogger, photographer, and coach, at a
keynote I did recently in Los Angeles. She has her own coaching practice,
Remabulous Coaching, and has written for Conscious Bookkeeping, Web Marketing
Therapy, and was Social Media Director for Book Soup. She can be found at her
own site carolinedonahue.com.
Her post here today is on one of my favorite topic’s: Overcoming conflict
avoidance. -KF
You’re Not Being the “Bigger Person” by Letting It Go – Here’s Why
Caroline Donahue
How may times have you backed away slowly – or outright ran – from a potential conflict at work because you thought you were doing the other person a favor? Meanwhile, you’re a little tenser, a little less eager to connect with this colleague, or even this boss. But it’s the best thing to do, isn’t it? You know relationships at work are important and you need to avoid awkward conversations to keep them healthy, right?
Wrong. Despite the fact that most people think that letting something slide is the decent thing to do, it’s ultimately damaging to the relationship.
The Research
John Gottman, PhD is an expert in relationships. He can predict whether a marriage will succeed or fail with 90% accuracy, just by observing the two partners interact. During his time as Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, he has even extended this range to 81% over 7 to 9 years of marriage.
What makes the difference for long-term success in a relationship? Gottman has broken interactions people have into three types: turning toward, turning against, and turning away.
What does this mean? Turning toward, you collaborate and connect. Turning against, you argue or snap at each other. Turning away, you simply
ignore the problem… or each other.
Most of us conduct our working relationships trying to turn towards each other. This is easy when everyone is getting along. But what do you do when you don’t agree or you’re unsettled by something going on with a co-worker or superior? Just look the other way and hope it passes?
Gottman found that, contrary to what me might think, conflict was not what resulted in the ending of a relationship. Turning away was far more damaging and the main predictor of a relationship that would end in divorce. As Gottman learned : fight can keep you from flight!
Why is this? Because people are more likely to stay in a relationship and continue to build it when there is consistent interaction, even if that interaction is negative.
Every time you avoid bringing up a concern with someone at work, you are missing an opportunity to build the relationship. It is better to share your thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree, and even if you have something challenging to say, than to say nothing at all. Because the last thing you want is to suffer the equivalent of a colleague divorce at work.
ACTION TO TAKE NOW
If this is new territory for you, here are some safe ways to explore it:
You’re Not Being the “Bigger Person” by Letting It Go – Here’s Why
Caroline Donahue
How may times have you backed away slowly – or outright ran – from a potential conflict at work because you thought you were doing the other person a favor? Meanwhile, you’re a little tenser, a little less eager to connect with this colleague, or even this boss. But it’s the best thing to do, isn’t it? You know relationships at work are important and you need to avoid awkward conversations to keep them healthy, right?
Wrong. Despite the fact that most people think that letting something slide is the decent thing to do, it’s ultimately damaging to the relationship.
The Research
John Gottman, PhD is an expert in relationships. He can predict whether a marriage will succeed or fail with 90% accuracy, just by observing the two partners interact. During his time as Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, he has even extended this range to 81% over 7 to 9 years of marriage.
What makes the difference for long-term success in a relationship? Gottman has broken interactions people have into three types: turning toward, turning against, and turning away.
What does this mean? Turning toward, you collaborate and connect. Turning against, you argue or snap at each other. Turning away, you simply
ignore the problem… or each other.Most of us conduct our working relationships trying to turn towards each other. This is easy when everyone is getting along. But what do you do when you don’t agree or you’re unsettled by something going on with a co-worker or superior? Just look the other way and hope it passes?
Gottman found that, contrary to what me might think, conflict was not what resulted in the ending of a relationship. Turning away was far more damaging and the main predictor of a relationship that would end in divorce. As Gottman learned : fight can keep you from flight!
Why is this? Because people are more likely to stay in a relationship and continue to build it when there is consistent interaction, even if that interaction is negative.
Every time you avoid bringing up a concern with someone at work, you are missing an opportunity to build the relationship. It is better to share your thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree, and even if you have something challenging to say, than to say nothing at all. Because the last thing you want is to suffer the equivalent of a colleague divorce at work.
ACTION TO TAKE NOW
If this is new territory for you, here are some safe ways to explore it:
- Try smaller situations first. Just because turning against is less likely to end your working relationship with someone than ignoring them, it doesn’t mean it’s the ideal choice. Think about ways you could make the conversation a win-win, rather than a conflict at all.
- Be aware of who you’re talking to. If you’re confronting a superior it’s possible to give the benefit of the doubt and make your position a little softer than you might with a colleague.
- Keep practicing and remember, engaging is always better than avoidance and you’ll soon reap the rewards of rock solid communication.
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